Henry's Cavern

Toutaku · Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 8:53 am Post subject: Yahtzee

Who else likes him?

Here is his Wolfenstein review limerick!

In the tortuous time before D-Day,
There once was a man named B.J.
With chocolate-box hair and a face like a bear,
And a jacket he picked up on eBay.

He was out one day murdering Germans,
As they tried to enact London’s burning.
He beat up some dudes and broke missile tubes,
So their boat got blown up, “That’ll learn ‘em!”

But while there, he made the discovery,
That the Nazis had power like no other-y.
He brought back a bangle with some mystical angle,
To which the Allies responded: “Oh buggery.”

At the secret service of Queen Lizzie,
B.J’s bosses find themselves in a tizzy.
So they stand up and shout: “B.J, sort this all out!
We’d do it ourselves but we’re busy.”

So he’s sent to a big German town,
Where some serious shit’s going down.
There’s an active resistance in need of assistance
And everything’s gone greyish brown.

It soon becomes clear that the city’s
Been invaded by occult committees.
Mystical preachers and slavering creatures.
And gymnasts with stonking great titties.

You may wonder if this is a sequel
To some past Wolfenstein, or a prequel.
Or depicting our hero in a previous era
When he wasn’t looked upon as an equal.

It’s actually meant to succeed
‘Return to Castle Wolfenstein’s lead
Which is pretty damn slow, ‘cause that was eight years ago
And the memories have gone stale indeed.

The new Wolfenstein seeks to enthral
With an ongoing high-octane brawl
But it’s a game about war that we’ve all seen before
And just like the title adds fuck all.

Any pretence of freshness is gone
At the very outset of stage one
You escape your pursuers via underground sewers
So we start as we mean to go on!

Your gun is, of course, your best friend.
On which you must always depend
When you get into fights, you can look down the sights
And bullets come out of the end.

Weapon choice doesn’t start too exciting
Two machine guns, a rifle for sniping
But later on, BFGs coming with guarantees
To shoot various flavours of lightning.

There are soldiers all over the place
Who can’t take two shots to the face.
But before you fore-score, they always re-spawn
At a pretty disquieting pace.

You don’t need to worry about health,
If you’re retarded and lousy at stealth
Just get behind cover if you’re in a bother
And it’ll all come back by itself.

It won’t help you avoid the bum rape
Later on when you get into scrapes
With powerful blasters and big armoured bastards
With weak points the size of a grape.

To help out, you have on your side
Magic spells and some crystals provide
On the appropriate cue, the world turns greenish blue
So it looks like your monitor’s died.

You can take down the big lads in minutes,
Start a fight with ten men and still win it.
Make your weapons divine, or just use bullet time
Which wasn’t that great when Max Payne did it.

But the powers are hard to sustain
And your magic is too swiftly drained.
In the middle of a fight, you’ll end up in the shite
And will suffer a whole world of pain.

And in between all of the shooting
You must also think about looting.
‘Cause if you want to upgrade, someone has to be paid.
And the shopkeepers don’t like freebooting.

Why do all games need upgrading elements?
Even one’s where it isn’t quite relevant.
It means all your big hitters start off in the shitter
And your aim is un-firm and inelegant.

So when you’ve extinguished the danger,
You backtrack to all of the chambers.
Searching every last nook for cash and chequebooks
Which you won’t find much fun, I would wager.

It transpires that the in-game reality
Has pretentions to non-linearity.
The game says: “On yer bike, you can go wherever you like
As long as it’s in this principality.”

But the freedom’s a mere gilded cage
That adds nothing to inspire or engage
It just means beating feet down the same boring street
Just to get to the next fucking stage!

There’s very little to do except hunt
For secrets and money up front
But the reward’s pretty lame; all the streets look the same
And the bads keep re-spawning, the cunts!

It’s not totally asinine, sure
There are optional missions to score
But I went out of my way, and found to my dismay
That in total, there’s only like, four!

I guess the ultimate question is “Why?”
Should I even bother to try?
If every last NPC fills me with apathy
Am I expected to care when they die?

I know what you’re gonna say: “Yahtzee!
You slick internet paparazzi!
Surely it’s always fun to stick the butt of a gun
Up the arse of a goose-stepping Nazi?”

Well, if you like starting punch-ups in bars,
Or your head has been lodged up your arse,
Wolfenstein may give at least some joy to live.
But otherwise, don’t bother. Two stars.
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Fu fu fu...

Phil the Time Wizard · Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 8:59 am Post subject:

I was impressed with his wit in reviewing when you pointed me to him the other day, even if it was hard hearing somone mock Valkyria Chronicles.

You might consider posting a link to his site for the unaware.

When I saw the topic, I thought it was going to be about this:

Some might think the same.
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Toutaku · Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 9:03 am Post subject:

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation

Well, here's the site!

I personally think he's awesome.
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Fu fu fu...

Mr. Clean · Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 1:33 pm Post subject:

I watch this guy ever wednesday, he's awesome, check out the orange box review to prove my point of portal being the best game ever
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The greatest lesson in life is that even fools are right sometimes...

Selrahc · Joined: 06 Sep 2009 Posts: 8268 Location: The sky

Holy crap, I'm glad you put that back up. I used to watch his reviews all the freakin time; the problem was I was 12 and I didn't give a fuck about URLs.

Yahtzee is the greatest game reviewer ever, even if he tells my that my games are shit and that I'm a fucking moron.
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Want to mess with me now?

Toutaku · Posted: Mon Sep 28, 2009 5:10 am Post subject:

I actually sent him an email saying about the same thing.
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Fu fu fu...

Selrahc · Joined: 06 Sep 2009 Posts: 8268 Location: The sky

Oh, that's good to know. Maybe I'll send him an e-mail after I get some shuteye and come back from class.
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Want to mess with me now?

Toutaku · Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 5:04 am Post subject:

Think up a really stupid internet nickname, one so cheesey he'll have no idea what to think. XD
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Fu fu fu...

Mr. Clean · Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 5:10 pm Post subject:

He might even feature you in an episode and totally change what you said into some retarded rant on his show...
_________________
The greatest lesson in life is that even fools are right sometimes...

Toutaku · Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 5:12 pm Post subject:

I would consider it an honour!
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Fu fu fu...

Toutaku · Posted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 5:39 am Post subject:

REVIVAL TIME!!!

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/1472-Dantes-Inferno

One of his best, clearly.
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Fu fu fu...

Selrahc · Joined: 06 Sep 2009 Posts: 8268 Location: The sky

Oh yeah, I just saw that before I had to go to class (and deal with all the other crap that I said in the sentence thread); very awesome.
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Want to mess with me now?

Phil the Time Wizard · Posted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 5:42 am Post subject:

I actually wasn't as impressed with the Dante's Inferno review as much as I have been by some of the other recent ones.

Still pretty damn good though.
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Toutaku · Posted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 5:44 am Post subject:

All the god-bashing and masturbation jokes made me giggle.

All of you keeping up with his stuff then?
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Fu fu fu...

Selrahc · Joined: 06 Sep 2009 Posts: 8268 Location: The sky

That is my high point (if my only high point) for Wednesday (and possibly the week).
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Want to mess with me now?